Are we in a gay sports bar?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
