My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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