Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
