if i can run in heels then i can drive
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
