She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
