I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
