dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
