My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
