I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
