I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
