Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
