Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
