my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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