The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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