We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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