I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Drake has all the answers
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
