i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
