I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
