Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
