Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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