You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Randomize
