Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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