I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The power of my boobs compel you
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
