Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize