so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
