she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
