don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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