evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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