i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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