I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
