Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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