my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
