I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
