I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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