2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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