She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
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