i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
