I heard we made out
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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