I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
