Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
