the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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