When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
