New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
