things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
