i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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