Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
