i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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