During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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