Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
