Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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