A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
