At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize