i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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