Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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