would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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