Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
