I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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