I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Found the puke drawer
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
