Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We need a shit load of segways right now
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
