So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
