just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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