I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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