I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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