fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize