Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
