I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
