i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
