My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
