The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
