Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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