my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
